Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
