Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50