the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.