Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
How naked do you want me to be?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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