Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Randomize
