its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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