I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
