If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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