just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
