my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
