wanna go halves on a baby?
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
