two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
