I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
