Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
