Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize