I cannot find my penis.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
