i jhust puked up my retainher.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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