So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Randomize
