I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
