Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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