The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
