This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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