i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
