so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
