If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
