My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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