I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
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Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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