all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
