His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
