i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
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