I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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