I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
