My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
i've created a new STD.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
