happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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