I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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