these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
