mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
