Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
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