I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
