Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
We were destined to go to rehab together
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Randomize
