Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
