I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
