We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
