I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
