be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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