I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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