Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
