If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
