I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
