And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
