We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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