u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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