Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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