Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
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