My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
