wake up i wanna do it froggy style
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I wish there were birth control emojis
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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