ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
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