I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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