Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
