Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
