We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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